Friday, April 30, 2010
Exhaustion grips me as i am punching in every alphabet, every key. i thought i had abandoned the idea of loneliness, because i had embraced solitude as a sign of strength. but i should have known better. strength will never be rooted in this debilitated soul of mine. now that these hateful feelings have returned to taunt me, they seem so familiar, as though they are escapees from a forgotten dream. It is during times like this that i think about what it means to have zero expectations of others. sometimes i also think about cynicism and whether or not such dark thoughts are inherent or were they discovered by the parts of the heart that were brutally abused or betrayed. perhaps reliance has always been the the puppeteer. but intricately intertwined with those strings are masters of abandonment and despair, sadness and withdrawal. so what distinguishes dependence from yearning, and yearning from love? someone once said, the more you give, you more you expect. so the strings simply get tightened and more tangled? perhaps.
It's a beautiful disguise.